Boob Juice

Once upon a time I had told myself I'd get off my meds while pregnant, get back on them as soon as baby was born, and baby would be formula fed. Then I got a cute little (now "ex") niece who rooted around and I suddenly had my maternal instincts kick in and wanted to breastfeed. I also came to my senses that risking going crazy during pregnancy wasn't a good idea, so I did my research and determined staying on Lamictal while growing a baby was an ok plan, provided I took a buttload of folic acid to help prevent the one birth defect that was proven possible- cleft palate. Then one day I was growing Maya. I kept doing my research and decided it was ok to breastfeed on Lamictal, too. For being my wonder drug, Prozac was a no-no, so I had to try Zoloft, which was fine and dandy and got back on Prozac as soon as I was no longer milking myself.

So, anyway... Maya came along. She latched right on and I couldn't imagine why women had trouble with this (no offense whatsoever, just sayin'!). Then after a day or so we figured out she was starving because my milk hadn't come in (why did no one tell me it's not automatic?), Then the lactation ladies came in with that "sns" (which gave her formula while she nursed), had me pump, and eventually I was making enough milk to feed an army (ok, not really, but way more than my one kid needed). I was tired beyond all belief and after my mother left a week and a half after Maya was born, I pumped more and more. Maya had become a bit of a spaz when hungry, so getting her latched on was harder than just shoving a bottle in her mouth. And keeping her awake to eat- ha! I could barely keep myself awake! I still tried nursing every now and then and it went just fine, but pumping- fabulous. And breastmilk can stay out for hours. Who knew? I didn't mind pumping- a lot of women do, and found out exclusive pumping wasn't completely abnormal (thank you, internet, for leading me to other so-called "EPers" so I didn't feel alone!), and I think by the time she was a month old, Maya was on a breastmilk-filled bottle fulltime.

Then I separated from her %$#*@&^$ father and the stress dried me up and she went onto formula fulltime just before her 5-month "birthday." Otherwise I'd have pumped for a year.

SO... before I was even pregnant, Jared and I bought me a used pump for a fabulous deal and I find myself compulsively buying playtex drop-ins bottles (what I used for Maya then sold on ebay because I had no money because her father took it all) and remember how I loved knowing how much she ate. And since my mom (and sister this time- yea!) will be here when the baby comes, it'll be great for others to be able to feed it.

BUT... I also came to realize that I have a deep within me need to hang onto this baby for dear life. I'm sure it's to do with having to turn my nine-month-old over to a clueless %$#*@&^$ father for court mandated overnight parenting time and it tore me apart and I can't bear letting go of my next one; luckily some asinine judge will never tell me I have to. And having a breastfeeding baby means it's stuck to me and me only. I think that's also my reasoning behind wanting to have a vbac, thus baby never leaves my sight (though I think with a cesarean I will just make it known the baby will not leave my sight. Whether they say that's ok or not... well, I'm like my mother. Assertive and able to get my way).

SO... we'll see. I may do a combo of both, but odds are if I start pumping, I'll never stop. I'm sure I'll get over my issues and need a break from the baby, plus I have a needy 2-year-old (she went off with her dad for a few hours today and I forget how clingy she is when she gets home! It'll be interesting to see how she handles mommy's attention going to baby!) who I don't want to neglect... again, we'll see.

So, there are my thoughts for now. Take 'em or leave 'em. You probably don't care, but I feel like sharing my issues with others helps. :)

smartphone

We got Jared a new phone last night. He's having way too much fun with it. He just scanned the barcode on the cheerios to google search it and has moved onto the puff's tissues. Silly boy.

VBAC, BF, blah blah blah...

FYI, Maya was a cesarean baby. I had no problem with it, in general. My mom had 3 c-sections and in my brain I guess I always knew I'd have a kid or two or ten through that method. When the nurse said "vaginal bypass" (ha ha! I find that funny!) I was like whatever, get this kid out of me. After nearly 24 hours of labor (make that a few days off and on- freaking back labor would start, as soon as I'd time contractions, they'd stop), 4 painful rounds of IV antibiotics (GBS+ lucky me- that's group B strep for those of you not familiar with all the lingo these days :) ), I was ready to meet my baby and not be pregnant anymore (I HATED being pregnant). So, when I say I was ok with it "in general," I mean my problems were A) waiting to see her while I heard her sweet little cry that to me wasn't mad, it was "I don't know what's going on, so I'm whining about it", 2) was she blue, grey, pink, red, bloody, white and gooey? I have no idea what she looked like fresh out of the womb. It woulda been interesting to see her umbilical cord length, too, and possibly my placenta, but that's gross so I'm ok without that, and D) they took her a way (her dad went with her) while I got stitched up. Then I had to stay flat which is an awkward way to first hold your baby, who I got my first glimpse of while still on the operating table- she was already in a burrito with a little hat and had a cute dimple then that was that until we were in the recovery room. If you don't get my A, 2, D thing, watch Home Alone.

Anyway... so I think it would be great to have a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean. A VBAC. One of the reasons- probably the ultimate reason, for the cesarean was that Maya wasn't going to fit through my pelvis. Also the reason for my mother's cesareans. Or so she was told 30 years ago. Whether that's true, she'll never know nor care, and whether it's true for me, I didn't care at the moment and unless I really try to fit this kid, won't ever know. A c-section is handy. I can schedule it for a couple days after my mom and sister arrive. I know what to expect with recovery. And if the kid isn't gonna fit, why bother? But I guess there's no way to really tell. I'll ask again at my next appointment (which is with a different doctor).

If we had the money, I'd find a midwife who'd get my baby out vaginally whether it wanted to fit or not. But we don't have the money. And then again, sometimes, ok most of the time, midwives are zealots. Drives me nuts. What if I don't want to breastfeed? You think I'm inhumane? (I do, fyi). If it's a boy, he's for darn tootin' certain getting circumcised, but midwives these days think that's cruel and unusual and some may even say will ruin your bond with your child. Gimme a freakin' break. And they don't believe in drugs. I do. Bring on the drugs.

Yes, I'm generalizing. Not all midwives are like that. So don't attack me.

Pain- yeah, hate it. There were moments with Maya I thought hhmmm, maybe I could try to go el naturel, but I had no idea how much worse it would get. So I asked for the epidural and it was fabulous. Plus then it was already there when I needed additional junk to further numb me! Therefore, I would like another, though getting that needle in my spine was the scariest moment of my life. No kidding. Ask my mom- I probably broke her fingers as I held onto her for dear life and prayed my brains out.

So... that's what's going on in my head right now. I'll get to the breastfeeding predicament in my brain later. For now, my vbac ramblings will suffice and I will not bother to spellcheck before posting this (I may fix it later). And I'm sure there's a lot I've left out that doesn't explain fully how I feel other than I don't know if I want to attempt a vbac or not, though I obsess over it and have a feeling I would regret another c-section, since this may be my one and only shot at it, because I don't think I'd have the guts to go through with attempting a vbac after 2 cesareans. Scary. So, yeah... that's it.

Baby!

13.5 weeks!

I'm convinced it's a boy. We'll find out the end of next month.

I apologize for not posting in two weeks. I'll try to get back into the swing of things but I can't promise anything.

Disney Princess countdown

I said I'd do the Disney Princess 30 days, so here goes- a week's worth for fun.

Day 1- my favorite Disney movie

Day 2- my favorite princess- someone went crazy on fanpop or something like that. Thanks, whoever you are, for letting me steal your picture.

Day 3- my favorite prince. I think it's only because when Donny Osmond sings that one song, I melt, therefore this guy's my fave.

Day 4- favorite song. Mostly because of Scuttle. :)

Day 5 is favorite kiss. No idea because they're all cheesy and sideways.

Day 6- prettiest princess- I have no idea, so here's all of them. Snow White could possibly win because she's pale and pasty like me. :)

Day 7- favorite castle- Beauty and the Beast. Probably because the library is so cool and I love the way the sunshine comes in. I love huge windows and I love, love, love sunshine! Today was a lovely, sunny day, but it was way too freaking cold outside to enjoy it. Blasted Oregon.

End of the month

day 27- me and a family member: me and Caitlin (my favorite [only :) ] sister) at her 25th birthday dinner. Also the day Michael Jackson died. My dad mentioned it as we were leaving the restaurant and we're like "yeah, right." Little did we know...

28 is supposed to be a picture of something that scares me, but those are scary pictures so I'm not putting one here.

day 29- a picture that always makes me smile. How can you not smile at my adorable chubbalub? This is the day Maya turned 4 months old.

And just so you know how adorable the outfit was, here's her butt:

( It also had a cute piggy bib)

And last, but not least, day 30- a picture of someone I miss. This is my dear friend and pseudo-cousin, Brienne. She and her husband have me to thank for their wedded bliss and dear little Sadie (well, ok, I had very little to do with Sadie other than hooking up her parents :) ), who's in Bri's tummy in this picture. Maya reached out and touched her and someone caught it- adorable!

There are lots of people who I miss, so don't be offended that it's not a picture of you. Brienne just won the easily accessible picture lottery and it's true, I do miss her. I'd love, love, love to see her more than the once a year, or less, I do now!

24-26

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm behind. So I'm pregnant and freaking tired beyond all belief (add depression from this friggin' nasty climate and I would be happy sleeping my life away) and don't feel like blogging because it takes brain power. But I am having some brain power at the moment, so here's a start at catching up...

day 24: a picture of something I wish I could change... well, obviously I'm not going to put a picture of abortion. Searching "infertility" didn't help much (you want a picture of a uterus? You already got one with my preggo announcement!), so I searched "adoption" and found this darling picture. It's from this blog. And yes, the man isn't bad to look at. :) Anyway, the whole teenage pregnancy, abortion, infertility, adoption, etc mess baffles me. I worked for about two years at a high school where I followed a student around to her classes so I was basically a student, just not doing work, so I was out and about in the school seeing all the lovely teenagers pregnant and loving it. And hearing some talking about their abortions. And wondering why, why, why, I have dear friends, acquaintances, and strangers whose adoption profiles I've looked at who long to have children who don't get them. It makes no sense. No sense at all. It is one question Heavenly Father better have a good answer for me when I get to Heaven. Or maybe I won't make it to Heaven for questioning His ways so much, but my goodness... millions- MILLIONS of babies are aborted each year. Thousands, probably millions, of couples have their hearts and homes open to take any precious child into them and some never get them. I feel so, so blessed to not have that struggle. Heavenly Father knows I couldn't have handled it (18 months trying to get pregnant with Maya was bad enough- dang depo shot. This kid only took 2 months). Maya and my future children may have been better off with some other parents- Maya obviously doesn't deserve the split family she's got, and I'm certainly not ever going to win mother of the year, month, or day- EVER, but they're mine and I am so blessed to be a parent and I wish the same blessing could come to all those who desire it. Life is just NOT FAIR.

And on a happier note... day 25, the 25th of January, my precious little girl turned 2! A picture of my day... we finally took some birthday day pictures right before she went to bed. :)

Day 26: something that means a lot to me: family. This is the first image that comes up on google image search of "family!"

The next day is supposed to be me and a family member and I don't feel like finding one right now so I'm done for now. 'Til next time...