Boob Juice

Once upon a time I had told myself I'd get off my meds while pregnant, get back on them as soon as baby was born, and baby would be formula fed. Then I got a cute little (now "ex") niece who rooted around and I suddenly had my maternal instincts kick in and wanted to breastfeed. I also came to my senses that risking going crazy during pregnancy wasn't a good idea, so I did my research and determined staying on Lamictal while growing a baby was an ok plan, provided I took a buttload of folic acid to help prevent the one birth defect that was proven possible- cleft palate. Then one day I was growing Maya. I kept doing my research and decided it was ok to breastfeed on Lamictal, too. For being my wonder drug, Prozac was a no-no, so I had to try Zoloft, which was fine and dandy and got back on Prozac as soon as I was no longer milking myself.

So, anyway... Maya came along. She latched right on and I couldn't imagine why women had trouble with this (no offense whatsoever, just sayin'!). Then after a day or so we figured out she was starving because my milk hadn't come in (why did no one tell me it's not automatic?), Then the lactation ladies came in with that "sns" (which gave her formula while she nursed), had me pump, and eventually I was making enough milk to feed an army (ok, not really, but way more than my one kid needed). I was tired beyond all belief and after my mother left a week and a half after Maya was born, I pumped more and more. Maya had become a bit of a spaz when hungry, so getting her latched on was harder than just shoving a bottle in her mouth. And keeping her awake to eat- ha! I could barely keep myself awake! I still tried nursing every now and then and it went just fine, but pumping- fabulous. And breastmilk can stay out for hours. Who knew? I didn't mind pumping- a lot of women do, and found out exclusive pumping wasn't completely abnormal (thank you, internet, for leading me to other so-called "EPers" so I didn't feel alone!), and I think by the time she was a month old, Maya was on a breastmilk-filled bottle fulltime.

Then I separated from her %$#*@&^$ father and the stress dried me up and she went onto formula fulltime just before her 5-month "birthday." Otherwise I'd have pumped for a year.

SO... before I was even pregnant, Jared and I bought me a used pump for a fabulous deal and I find myself compulsively buying playtex drop-ins bottles (what I used for Maya then sold on ebay because I had no money because her father took it all) and remember how I loved knowing how much she ate. And since my mom (and sister this time- yea!) will be here when the baby comes, it'll be great for others to be able to feed it.

BUT... I also came to realize that I have a deep within me need to hang onto this baby for dear life. I'm sure it's to do with having to turn my nine-month-old over to a clueless %$#*@&^$ father for court mandated overnight parenting time and it tore me apart and I can't bear letting go of my next one; luckily some asinine judge will never tell me I have to. And having a breastfeeding baby means it's stuck to me and me only. I think that's also my reasoning behind wanting to have a vbac, thus baby never leaves my sight (though I think with a cesarean I will just make it known the baby will not leave my sight. Whether they say that's ok or not... well, I'm like my mother. Assertive and able to get my way).

SO... we'll see. I may do a combo of both, but odds are if I start pumping, I'll never stop. I'm sure I'll get over my issues and need a break from the baby, plus I have a needy 2-year-old (she went off with her dad for a few hours today and I forget how clingy she is when she gets home! It'll be interesting to see how she handles mommy's attention going to baby!) who I don't want to neglect... again, we'll see.

So, there are my thoughts for now. Take 'em or leave 'em. You probably don't care, but I feel like sharing my issues with others helps. :)